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I'll wait, so show me why you're strong
[And so the day's trial for the attempted murder of Gabriel Knight draw to a close with... charitably better results then usual.
They were alive, at the least, but that didn't mean there wasn't several blows against the trust that had been built up here. One mole that attempted murder, another that quit, and another that was given the offer no doubt put strain on several relationships... most notably Sigrun's.
It was all, in a word... frankly shitty. But now it's all out there, no sense in trying to get it back.
An hour (or two) after the "trial" ends and everyone's gone off on their own business, Speedwagon heads back to the kitchen. It was the usual plan in mind, what they did after every trial. And everyone, regardless of what was said or done, would soon find a note being slipped under their door.]
[Name],
There's gonna be food in the dining hall, in case anyone's got an appetite for it.
I know some might want to be alone after that mess of an investigation, but if you don't then the offer's as open as it's always been.
I'd say sticking together might still be safer then not.
-R E.O. Speedwagon
[And yes, folks that arrive in the dining hall will find a nice spread of sandwiches, soup, and what leftovers Speedwagon could scrounge out of the fridge. Speedwagon isn't the best cook in the group, but there's definitely stuff here that's good enough to eat.
...Sigrun's 'masterpiece' was, thankfully, left out of this. Keeping folks alive is the goal, after all.]
They were alive, at the least, but that didn't mean there wasn't several blows against the trust that had been built up here. One mole that attempted murder, another that quit, and another that was given the offer no doubt put strain on several relationships... most notably Sigrun's.
It was all, in a word... frankly shitty. But now it's all out there, no sense in trying to get it back.
An hour (or two) after the "trial" ends and everyone's gone off on their own business, Speedwagon heads back to the kitchen. It was the usual plan in mind, what they did after every trial. And everyone, regardless of what was said or done, would soon find a note being slipped under their door.]
There's gonna be food in the dining hall, in case anyone's got an appetite for it.
I know some might want to be alone after that mess of an investigation, but if you don't then the offer's as open as it's always been.
I'd say sticking together might still be safer then not.
-R E.O. Speedwagon
[And yes, folks that arrive in the dining hall will find a nice spread of sandwiches, soup, and what leftovers Speedwagon could scrounge out of the fridge. Speedwagon isn't the best cook in the group, but there's definitely stuff here that's good enough to eat.
...Sigrun's 'masterpiece' was, thankfully, left out of this. Keeping folks alive is the goal, after all.]
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He squeezes the pencil, and—
snaps his mouth shut, loosening his grip. Back to playing instead.
...he has no fucking idea how to start this conversation, and he isn't sure he wants to. Even if he said he'd try. ]
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[What could he say? Yosuke isn't even sure he wants any apologies.]
But I need to. I'm... sorry. For what I tried to do.
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he's never done anything like this to him. He's such a monumentally shitty person. ]
I couldn't blame you for trying. [ A soft, sad laugh. ] If it's any consolation, I feel like I got thoroughly gutted anyway. Not as cathartic as really doing it, I'm sure, but...
[ ...he needs to stop talking, Yosuke's apologizing, he... ]
It's fine. [ ... ] I'm sorry you had to find out like that. [ That he had to find out at all, really. ] And that I tried to kill someone today.
[ No excuses here; he was totally aware of what he was doing, and he's aware he hurt Yosuke, and... everything, really. ]
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[Though in theory Black was trying to kill ALL of them. But still, that's for Gabe]
And still, if I had managed it then I would have put them through having to execute me. [It's unsaid but clear: 'Like you almost did']
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And... worry not, he isn't missing what's gone unsaid, and he shrinks back like he's been bit. Rightfully so, of course, but— ]
Right. Sorry. ...for apologizing to the wrong person. [ ...and for pointing out how nice it would've felt. For like, the first two minutes, probably.
Black looks like he wants to ask something, but really—he's afraid of the answer, so he doesn't, but—ohhhhhh what the fuck ever, either he does and his fears are realized or he doesn't and things are not as total shit as they seem. ]
Do you hate me?
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Speaking of:]
... no.
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[ ...he just had to fucking ask, and he kind of looks like he wants to go drown himself in the bathroom for it. ]
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And cuz... I understand. I don't forgive you. I don't even know if I want to have anything more to do with you yet.
But I do get it. You never lied about where you were coming from, from the start. It's my own fault for ignoring that.
[He takes a deep breath, obviously keeping his anger in check- there's no joy in his voice at all]
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It's not your fault, Yosuke. [ ...it really isn't. ] I'm sure you thought I was a better person than I was three years ago, and... I'm really sorry I couldn't be the person you thought I was. That's on me for letting you think that.
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I think... you're better then you give yourself credit for. And I'm glad you're getting a second chance to prove me right. Or wrong. That's on you either way. Because we would have caught you.
[And he says that with perfect clarity and belief. There is no doubt]
I never wanted to see you in that goddamned hole.
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Except to fuck up and lose the respect and trust of his peers, he guesses. ]
I don't deserve it. [ ...the faith he's putting in him now, not the hole; he probably deserves the hole, as much as no one wants to see him in there. ] But thank you. You didn't have to say any of that.
[ ... ]
Sorry that I used my request on something really stupid like that. I was planning on waiting for a good moment so I could ask you to kiss me. [ He's sure glad his head's on the table. This thing is delightfully cool. ] ...that's really stupid to tell you now, too. Sorry.
[ (He should probably stop apologizing, but he can't. ]
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[His chest flutters and he knows, in that moment, that he was going to forgive him. And he hates himself for it a little, for being that weak to this asshole's charms.
But not yet. He has his pride]
That was... cruel. What you did yesterday. Even if you didn't know you were gonna attack someone last night.
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...I really never meant for you guys to find out about my deal with the Kingmaker. [ He is such a shitty person, he's about to tank an opinion and it is gonna suck. ] My sister never found out about the details of her heart condition for three years, so I thought I could pull the same thing off. We'd all get through this, and we'd kick the Kingmaker's ass or—whatever it is we wanted to do—and none of you would be any the wiser. By the time it ever did come up, it wouldn't have mattered.
[ A wonderfully optimistic plan, coming from Mr. Cynic himself. ]
Yesterday was... [ ...he wanted to look up, but he can't. The table is his home. ] A heat of the moment thing. Something I'd been wanting to do for a long time, and it felt right, and Mr. Cherryblod might've mentioned to me that things weren't totally hopeless because you weren't into just girls, and... I never meant to hurt you.
I really liked you, Yosuke. [ Laying his cheek on the table so he can stare off at the wall. ] ...I still do, and it actually really sucks, because I'm pretty sure I don't deserve to like you.
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Dumbass, that kinda thing has nothing to do with deserving or not deserving it.
[The heart wants what it wants. Wasn't that the saying? Either way, there's a hint of his old bantering tone. Tired, but there]
I... don't regret it. I probably SHOULD, it'd be way easier then this. But still...
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So he sighs and, as genuine as he ever is with Yosuke (save one fucking minute in that trial): ] Thank you. I'm glad you don't.
[ ...it took a lot to go through with it, even if he thought it would've been okay. ...is that an okay sentiment to have, to be happy Yosuke doesn't regret it? ...this is so stupidly fucked up. ]
If that's all, I— [ sitting up now, looking at him and... dropping his gaze back to the table. ] I'm sort of tired. I'll be staying in Miss Sigrun's room from now on if you ever want to visit—that's part of my, um, punishment. Being babysat by her.
[ a pained smile. almost a joke, but not quite. ]
She's supposed to keep an eye on me and make sure I don't contact the Kingmaker or anything like that, so... [ ... ] We can still have time for just the two of us if you feel like you want to have something to do with me. She [ probably ] won't eavesdrop.
...unlike now, I'm sure. [ HE KNOWS, SIGRUN. YOU MIGHT BE TRYING NOT TO but you are a nosy leader. ]
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I'm just making sure things don't get heated, honey. It's for your own protection. As much as I trust lazybones there not to try anything.
[And she does trust him on that, anyway. Especially hearing out Cherryblod and what she's eavesdropped on here.]
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[He's fast, but he's not very sneaky]
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There's this sick feeling in his belly- that if he leaves now, that he will never see Black again. It's irrational and weird and he knows, knows Black is safe with Sigrun. But he can only see Taichi's blood on the walls, that pike stabbed into the kitchen counter.
But there's nothing that can be done for it. Dragging this out would only risk the tentative... whatever they have. So he stands up.]
I'll... do that. After all, you still owe me a request.
[The corner of his mouth twitches up, but that's all]
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I hope it's a good one. [ ... ] Though I won't give you a hard time about it if it isn't.
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[And with that he leaves. It's not good. Nothing about this is good.
But it's not ruined. He'll accept that for now]
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How're you feeling now, darling?
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...I don't feel like puking anymore? [ Maybe? ] I'm... better, I think.