trusthell | And it's the stars, the stars that lie to you.

And it's the stars, the stars that lie to you.

[This week, Varric opted to take a page from Vanille’s book. Gathering everyone together after the roller-coaster that the first trial had been proved to be somewhat cathartic for himself. He hoped that it would prove to do the same for the others.]

[He wasn’t alone, of course, having found himself blessed with the most ragtag team of chefs and party-planners. He might have had words for and thoughts on Elda and Kimbley, Mikazuki was welcome company, and he wasn’t about to turn away potential allies, even in a fight as simple as cooking dinner.]

[Once everyone’s set to a task, baking a cake, brewing tea, or stirring stew (the only task Varric could think to assign Elda to), Varric excused himself to his room. His first task was writing up cards, each personally titled and signed by Varric.]

Food in the Library. 5 p.m. Don’t spend the night alone.

[Each note was slid under a door and accompanied by a single rap on the wood.]

[With his tasks completed, Varric returned to the kitchen to put out any potential fires and, with luck, set the food out. A table in the library would be adorned with plenty of tea, cake, pancakes courtesy of Viktor, and stew thanks mostly to Varric (sorry, Elda).]

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[A hand finds its way up to her hair once again, toying with her curls idly. While the warmth of their pseudo-embrace didn't ease all of the pain, it at least kept it at bay. Wrapped the wounds in a gauze in hopes of them healing eventually.]

Yeah. Same here. [He let out a breath.] We just... have to try harder. Keep our friends close and... make sure no one makes the same mistake again.

[ Mistakes, huh... ]

Do you think... some mistakes can't be forgiven?

[That'll earn her a curious glance. It's the kind of question that made him think. The visage of a blond man, bowed and broken, danced across his minds eye, the usual suspect when it came to forgiveness. When he opened his mouth, he spoke carefully.]

I think... it all comes down to intent, in the end. I've watched innocent people die for both noble and vicious causes alike. [He drew a breath.] So maybe some things, some people can't be forgiven. But you have to be a hell of an unrepentant, bloodthirsty monster to be undeserving.

[ She bites her lip. This is probably one of the hardest things she's had to say in a long time, and she's not even sure how to say it. And maybe Varric will think less of her, when she's done. But... ]

Can... can I tell you something?

[Her question wasn't unexpected, given the way she had uttered her previous question. His grip on her tightened, and he gave a nod.]

Of course, Bubbles.

Okay...

[ She seems to be telling herself that more than answering him. Vanille takes a deep breath. ]

Back in my world... there are beings called l'Cie. They're chosen by gods to carry out a duty, or a Focus. When they're chosen, they're branded, and they have to complete their Focus or they turn into monsters. Into Cie'th, creatures who walk the earth in constant agony over their failed Focus...

I'm one of them. A l'Cie, I mean. Fang and I got branded at the same time, when we were younger. Our Focus... was to destroy the land above. Cocoon. We were to join and become Ragnarok, and we'd end the war by destroying Cocoon...

When the time came to do it... I... I couldn't. B-but Fang, she didn't want either of us to become Cie'th. She... she went ahead with it. But I was too scared. And I... I let her do that all alone... [ She's shaking, crying even harder now. ] She was all alone! She hurt a lot of people and I didn't have to do a thing!

Shit, Vanille.

[Varric was glad his eyes were already closed. He had no doubts that she might have seen a flash of anger there, interspersed with both sadness and confusion. There was a lot he didn't understand about the situation, but... becoming a monster didn't sound like a pleasant alternative.]

[And it wasn't like Vanille had wanted to go through with it. She'd had the sense to, he hoped, feel guilty about whatever was to come. that had to count for something.]

[And yet...]

Did you try to stop her...?

[ Did she try to stop her...? Vanille nods fervently, her eye stinging with tears all over again. ]

Of course I tried! I d-didn't want anyone to get hurt...! A-and I didn't want Fang to do it, either... but she's always been so stubborn, she... she worried about that a lot, about... me, becoming a Cie'th... She didn't want either of us becoming monsters...

[Varric let out a long sigh. For a handful of moments, stretching into what he assumed were minutes, he was silent and caught up in his thoughts. The only sign of his lack of condemnation was the fact that he still held her close, still worked comforting circles against her back.]

[In truth, he wasn't sure where to begin. He didn't hold it against Vanille by any means. But then, he wasn't sure what was bothering her -- the fact that her friend had acted, that she had acted alone, or that it had happened in general.]

[He figured he could start with the first, start with a feeling he knew all too well.]

My... friend blew up a church. Killed a lot of innocent people because he believed it was the only way to achieve peace. Some sentiment -- violence as a means of achieving that. But he did it. And for a long time, I blamed myself for not seeing what he was going to do.

The thing is... for all of the Wordsmith's bullshit about being accountable for our actions, it shouldn't have to extend to our companions. You and I aren't what our friends do.

Like my friend, I don't think what your friend did was right, either. But I think they both had a noble goal in mind. I'd... do a lot of things to protect the people I care about. I'd do a lot of things to protect you, kid. But... I don't think it makes you a bad person to have not helped her, or for it to have happened anyway. You did what you could, and in the end you were brave enough to sacrifice yourself for the sake of those lives.

And in the end, it isn't your fault that you had to make that choice. Blame fate, the gods... whatever the hell makes a nice woman like yourself have to make a choice like that.

[ The silence, though it had lasted only a few moments... felt like an eternity. Vanille expected--still does--him to think ill of her. It's not that she doesn't believe him... but she'd unloaded onto him. For anyone, that's a lot to take in. Still, he doesn't push her away, either physically or emotionally. He's still holding her, still treating her like he's done in the past.

And that makes a world of difference. Vanille doesn't know how to put into words how grateful she is, and it's taking her a while, too, to process his story. ]

He... you're still friends with him, then? [ ... ] Even after he did a horrible thing...

[ She's mostly musing to herself. The capacity some people have for forgiveness... it shocks her. ]

I... I don't blame her, either... She had no choice, in the end. [ She wraps her arms around Varric and gives him a squeeze. ] I wish terrible things didn't have to happen to good people...

[Awkward.]

[He swallowed. He had no doubts that he would have forgiven Anders, given the chance. In the moment, however, the world felt like it was falling down upon them. The mages, those Anders had sworn to protect, were being condemned for his actions. The world likely would have done the same, if another mage hadn't put him down, proven that while they wanted freedom, they didn't all believe in killing innocents, it would have spelled doom for an already troubled movement.]

[At least, that was what Hawke had told him, some years later.]

I would have, given the chance. [It was the first time had admitted as much aloud.]

[Varric shifted, pulling her firming into his arms. Once again, his cheek came to rest in her hair.]

I wish it didn't either. People like you. Like Alani... You deserve better than all this, and better than the shit you left behind.

I think... he would've felt real grateful for that. Your forgiveness.

[ Suffice to say, this went far better than she'd expected. What had she expected, exactly...? Disgust. Hatred. Rejection. Varric might be conflicted about the whole thing, and the story he told, but Vanille feels relieved beyond words. Even having just one person who knows... that does a world of difference. ]

Yeah...? [ The pain of losing Alani still stings, and she's sure it always will... but like she'd said last week, having someone around has helped. Even just a little bit. ] Sometimes I think I deserve it all. [ ... To elaborate: ] Back on Cocoon... l'Cie, we're no longer human. We're monsters, something parents tell their kids scary stories about. They'd-- they'd rather kill us, than try to understand...

[Varric opted to ignore that, finding it too troubling to really consider. He appreciated the idea of his forgiveness meaning something, but in the face of it, with Anders dead and gone, it seemed meaningless. He had no doubts Hawke had made the right decision -- never once had he doubted her judgement insofar as morality was concerned. Yet still, his heart ached.]

[It was easier to focus on Vanille though, focus on the rage that brewed up inside him. How anyone could see her as a monster, a girl with a sweet demeanor and adorable curls, was beyond him. His body shuddered, and he reared back to look her in the eye.]

You're not a monster, alright. I've met monsters, and you're not like them. You're better than any of us here, I can promise you that.

[ Part of her thought that his pulling back meant he really was disgusted with her... but then he says that, and Vanille's heart aches a little. Even with his telling her all that, she still finds it hard to believe him. ]

Everyone here's good in their own ways, [ she says quietly, not quite able to look at him. ]

Sure they are. [He lifted a rough palm, cupping her cheek with it. A roughly-padded thumb swept over her cheek in a soothing sort of circle.] Doesn't make you any less good.

[His hand dropped, instead seeking out one of hers and squeezing it.]

I know it's hard to believe in your own worth sometimes, so instead just... believe in me, okay. I don't think you're a monster. And I don't think you deserve to be here.

[ She's quiet, and then... she sniffles. Varric... he really is good with words. Vanille hugs him tight, crying all over again. ]

Thank you.... thank you...

[ For everything. For being there for her. Vanille's not nearly as good at talking as Varric is... but she can believe in him, at least. ]

[Varric almost cursed their adjusted position, being that he was unable to wipe her tears away. Nevertheless, he maintained it all the same, squeezing her tight for a long minute. When he was content in that, he leaned back, resuming his earlier position with a hand on her face. As her tears spilled out, he set to wiping them away. Despite the calloused nature of his fingers, they moved gently over her face. His other arm remained loosely wrapped around her, rubbing circles against the small of her back.]

No need to thank me, Bubbles. It's just what I do. [He gave her a gentle smile.] You're a good kid. And I'm glad I got to meet you.

I'm glad I got to meet you, too... I just wish it hadn't been here.

[ Vanille doesn't pull away, doesn't even think about it. Heck, she doesn't think she could if she wanted to. There's a brief silence before she speaks up again. ]

You're a really great guy, you know? Premium dad material.

[That... was something he hadn't heard before. It was stunning enough to leave him speechless. He lifted a hand, scratching at the back of his head and adjusting the red tie in his hair, before letting it fall once more. Certainly, he'd been compared to a mother hen before but... nothing like this.]

Nah, I'm just... doing what's right. I'm sure everyone else will be wanting to do the same for you, Bubbles.

... Hehe.

[ It's quiet and soft, but... that's a laugh. A tiny one, but still. ]

I wouldn't lie to you. It's what I really believe.

Tell you what. If I ever settle down and have a kid, I'll name her Vanille. Just for you telling me about my Dad-ly nature. [And in the meanwhile, he'll match that sweet laugh with one of his own.]

[ ...! ]

Couldn't think of a higher honor. You gonna curl her hair like mine?

Dwarf hair doesn't curl very well. Maybe twin braids though.

Aw, that'd be real cute. I bet any daughter of yours'd be adorable, anyway.

If it happens. [He gave a casual sort of shrug.] I'm not the settle down sort of type, if I'm honest. Bianca and I get by on our own, just fine.

[A pause.]

My crossbow, I mean.

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