i feel the love, and i feel it burn, down this river every turn

[oyashiromama]

[The trial, as usual, was taxing. It's for different reasons every week, but what it all comes down to is there are fewer of them than there were, and that keeps on happening. The note comes, as it always does, earlier than last week, but still with some delay. There's a note slipped under everyone's door. ...One under Gold's door because of course Silver will be staying there, she knows.]

Please come to the dining room, if you would like not to be alone. There will be food, and there will be some cards and board games if you need a distraction.

- Hanyuu & Elda

[True to that, there are a variety of foods. It's nothing too fancy. Rice, grilled fish, eggs in various styles. ...No creampuffs this time, it seems Hanyuu thought that would be a little in poor taste. Also a bunch of fries? ...Really spicy fries, like incredibly so.

On a far table, board games brought from the games room have been left out, along with many decks of cards.]

Comments

[tsugomori]

[ Mikazuki at some point does take a step out of Gangrel's room to head to Estelle's. If anything, he's still made the commitment to check up on her, because even though that they're both suffering through the same thing, he's sure she doesn't want to be alone. He's quite out of it though, so he gets a bit aimlessly lost because he's...distracted.

Then he hits up the kitchen to get some tea for the both of them, before finally managing to arrive to the pink-haired woman's room. He knocks at first, but when he doesn't hear a response, he enters right in, without saying a word. ]

[firstaid]

[She hears the knock, but refuses to answer. It's... she can't deal with this right now. Being alone is exactly what she does best in these situations. Running away -- escaping. However, when she hears the door open, she realizes that she didn't lock the door.

It doesn't surprise her given her state of mind at the moment.

Hearing whoever it is come in, she doesn't peak out of her blankets, but she does calm her crying as much as she can as if she's pretending to be asleep. Yet the fact that stifled breaths can be heard, it's rather obvious that she's not.]

[tsugomori]

[ ... He sets down the cups of teas on the desk in the room. ]

Pretending to be asleep?

[ ... ]

That is fine with me. I at least brought you some tea, if you want some. But if you want, I can also leave. I just wanted to make sure you had some company...

[firstaid]

[When she hears Mikazuki's voice, she definitely comes out from under her covers. She... didn't expect him to come see her, not after how she saw him and Killia at the trial. No, she doesn't need comfort -- he needs it more than her.]

No, please don't leave.

[Her voice doesn't have any force to it, but it's definitely something commanding.]

I... How are... ['...you feeling?' No, that's a question with an obvious answer.]

I'm sorry...

[tsugomori]

[ Then, if it is something definitely commanding, he'll stay. He is quite used to taking commands, and honestly, he wants to make sure she's not facing this alone.

If he hadn't had someone then...he closes his eyes for a bit, almost feeling like the tears may come back. Somehow he manages for them to hold back as he reopens them. ]

No, it's fine, it's not your fault...it is hard to ask, when you're like this, isn't it?

[firstaid]

[She watches him. She sees the hurt, the fact that he's definitely trying to hold tears back. It's enough to make her hold back her own feelings. Someone's hurting worse than she is...

...as much as she hurts, she needs to be the comforter. So she gets out of the bed and moves in to give him a hug if he'll let her.]

I'm sorry...

[She'll repeat those words once more.]

[tsugomori]

[ Mikazuki is too tired to say anything back now for a moment, he wants to say she has nothing to be sorry for, but sometimes you just... don't even want to bother to say that. This is the exact kind of mood he is entirely within, and holding her as a result of her giving him a hug. There are likely few instances where he'll resist someone reaching out to him and he'll just release a breath that he's been holding back. ]

...

[firstaid]

[Sometimes things just don't need to be said. There should be no fighting her apology because she is sorry. She's sorry he's dealing with this kind of loss. Yet she doesn't want to pull back because... perhaps she needed this comfort, too.

She doesn't know how to deal with this at all. With loss. With pain.

That she isn't as strong as she pretends to be at times.]

[tsugomori]

[ Mikazuki doesn't have any words of reassurance available immediately, but maybe that shouldn't be a surprise. For once, it is a relief not having to say anything exactly, and he is a fan that actions speak louder than words.

Still, he'll just lightly pat at her back, and then reluctantly pull back, but only a little. ]

... The tea will get cold if we stay like this for too long.

[firstaid]

[It's okay not to have them. Right now, neither of them have such words readily available and truth be told, it's likely better that way than giving each other false worse of comfort.

Right... the tea.

However, right now, Estelle doesn't exactly want to let go either, but her grip on him does loosen.]

I... I suppose it will.

[Her words lack any energy, just going along with what he said because... what else is she supposed to do?]

[tsugomori]

[ Mikazuki lingers a few more minutes in silence after both of their responses anyway. Then, he does hesitantly and reluctantly let go to grab their tea. He sets it down in front of them. ]

What a surprise that was...wasn't it?

[firstaid]

[She'll take the cup of tea but she goes to sit back on her bed.

His words... her eyes widen for a bit then a melancholy expression appears on her face.

It feels like he's talking about it so casually. Yet she can't... no...

So she doesn't respond to him. There are no words. A 'surprise' doesn't cover this and she's certain that he's feeling a worse feeling than she is. Instead, as a response she sips her tea.]

[tsugomori]

[ At some point, after that, a laugh came from him, if that was any surprise at all. It was certainly not like any of his usual ones, however. It was not something that could be called humorous in the slightest; it was closer to that of one that sounded more bitter.

He hasn't touched his tea, because he feels his words may have spoiled it. ]

... I shouldn't linger here too long, should I?

[firstaid]

[She... she doesn't know what to do. She doesn't know what to do right now. She's so lost and so is Mikazuki and that just makes this all so much worse. The people she relied on are... dead or can't bear this pain, either.

That laugh sounded so empty and so much in pain.]

I...

[What does she tell him? She does ask him to stay? Tell him to leave? What's the correct answer? The correct choice?]

...what do you wish to do?

[She'll defer that question back to him.]

[tsugomori]

... Drink some tea.

[ He'll manage a smile of some sort now. He'll take a sip of that tea, before placing it down in front of him... and he's talking... but it's the sort of ramble that probably is the sort of thing he'd normally keep to himself. ]

Pretend everything is alright. Bring Killia back. Leave this place. Strike down our enemy.

There are a lot of things I wish to do.

[firstaid]

[Pretend everything is alright. In that regard, they aren't very much different, are they?

Yet how much can they pretend right now? It hurts so much to hear this. It hurts to hear that Mikazuki very obviously hurts.]

...what are you going to do?

[She's not sure why she's asking that, but it's something. They can wish all they want, but... wishing isn't going to do them any good. Even she knows that.]

[tsugomori]

[ Remember the pain and look ahead. ]

Keep moving forward. The moment I look backward in time is the moment I lose myself entirely. But, I won't forget it.

[ Mikazuki isn't looking at Estelle for a moment, but then his gaze re-focuses on her. It's because he's tired. His speech is less polite, more direct now. ]

After today... we should be able to move forward, together. I'm sure that is what Killia would have wanted. I know it is what my Master will want.

[firstaid]

[She knows all too well about losing oneself. Her dreams here told her about that, and she also received her mother's memento.

But it's difficult. It's really difficult.]

I'll never forget Killia. He was... very kind to everyone.

[And it's okay his speech isn't polite. It's probably not good to be pretending right now that everything is okay.

Fight, Varric told her.

Survive, Killia told her.]

We'll... make our best attempt to move on.

[She doesn't sound convinced right now, though.]

[tsugomori]

Yes, there will be an attempt.

[ He seems to understand her not sounding quite convinced... right now he is only saying words that will keep himself steady. Words he's said in his head.

Eventually, all life does come to an end... he had accepted that, hadn't he? Still, it never mains it was not ever painful ... to "lose" someone important to him. For now, he thinks it is fine if they should wish to feel those emotions... express their sorrow in the loss of their important person. There should be no crime in that. ]

Even if things like this-- even if we both feel like this... I'm glad I did decide to visit after all.

[firstaid]

[Even if they both feel like this, huh? She envies his conviction to try to move on. To be honest, she isn't as strong. Though she's glad Mikazuki's still here. Honestly, if he left too, she would be lost. They've both been wonderful friends to her.]

I'm... glad you did too. It... reminds me I haven't lost everyone important to me here.

[Though why she would have to lose them in the first place, she doesn't know. She hates this.]

[tsugomori]

[ Let's see how long that lasts. ]

...It's good that I have also served as that reminder, then.

[ He'll have to leave relatively soon, he decides. He doesn't want to sleep in here, even though he's already in just his white kimono, thanks to the efforts of one Mad King, and he's still tired. But he will stay as long as he can manage. ]

[firstaid]

[She won't force him to stay any longer than he wishes to. It seems that even speaking to each other is taxing right now...

...of course she doesn't want to be alone, but... yes, this is difficult. Keeping up a conversation is difficult, so she sips her tea once more, the silence starting to become a little uncomfortable even though it's on her end.]

If... if you don't wish to be here any longer, you may leave.

[...it sounds weird sending someone away, but it may be for the best.]

[tsugomori]

[ Then, just like magic, he will nod, and then make his movement to leave, but before he exits completely-- ]

Good night, Estelle.

[ He'll bow and then he's headed back to his room. ]

[firstaid]

Good night, Mikazuki.

[She notes the lack of 'Miss' this time and isn't sure if it's intentional or not.

...things are going to be difficult, she can tell and she's not sure if she can handle this.]