i feel the love, and i feel it burn, down this river every turn

[oyashiromama]

[The trial, as usual, was taxing. It's for different reasons every week, but what it all comes down to is there are fewer of them than there were, and that keeps on happening. The note comes, as it always does, earlier than last week, but still with some delay. There's a note slipped under everyone's door. ...One under Gold's door because of course Silver will be staying there, she knows.]

Please come to the dining room, if you would like not to be alone. There will be food, and there will be some cards and board games if you need a distraction.

- Hanyuu & Elda

[True to that, there are a variety of foods. It's nothing too fancy. Rice, grilled fish, eggs in various styles. ...No creampuffs this time, it seems Hanyuu thought that would be a little in poor taste. Also a bunch of fries? ...Really spicy fries, like incredibly so.

On a far table, board games brought from the games room have been left out, along with many decks of cards.]

Comments

[plegia]

[...]

People like me cause others to lose faith quickly. My own people no longer support me. It really is only a matter of time until someone kills me.

[He'd like it to be in battle, but an assassination attempt is more likely.]

So I'm not surprised that you'd hesitate with evidence like that. It's not surprising that any of you would hesitate.

[oyashiromama]

...And you're okay with that?

[She sits.]

With your people, with us... You're really okay with it?

[plegia]

[...]

If I was okay with it, I would have let you check the damned ruff and be done with it. No, of course I'm not okay with it. That's the way things are, but that doesn't mean it's fine.

[It's frustrating to admit that. He doesn't like that things like this can bother him.]

[oyashiromama]

[She figured that would be the answer.]

At least here...it doesn't have to be that way. I don't want it to be that way...if it causes you such grief.

[plegia]

It doesn't...!

[mnnngh he just admitted it did so he can't go back on his word that fast, but don't call it grief, it's just frustration...]

You don't need to worry about that or me, alright? I'm fine.

[oyashiromama]

[She's had a misstep, she can tell, but she can't pinpoint how-]

...I can try not to, but it isn't in my nature, Gangrel, to turn away from anyone.

[plegia]

Tch. Haven't you ever found someone where it's just not worth it to try so hard?

[...Oh, wait, he knows—]

Kira. There are plenty of people like Kira out there, people who are just so terrible they don't deserve anyone's forgiveness or understanding.

[oyashiromama]

[That's... Hm. She thinks. Considers. And-

Hanyuu shakes her head.]

I may not forgive Kira, but...in the weeks since, I've found myself wanting to understand him. I don't know if anything we could have done would have prevented what he did, and in fact, it probably couldn't have, but even someone like him... Just as he doesn't deserve this place. Just as no one does.

[plegia]

[...mnnnnngh.]

I'll agree that no one deserves this place. There are plenty of people I'd like to shove into a game like this, but I wouldn't say they deserve it.

Still... You really are devoted if you're determined to try to understand Kira. I doubt most of us would be willing to try at this point.

[oyashiromama]

I wouldn't give myself all that credit. Really, it was speaking with Orihime after that got me to think on it.

But...it's for the better. It would be better if instead of condemning anyone, we could take time to understand.

[plegia]

[...]

You're much too kind, you know. Most people don't bother with trying to understand others. In some ways, you remind me of Emmeryn. You're much less of a pain in the neck, but... She would have liked you, I think.

[He has no idea why that's giving him pause. He's glad she's dead. He hated her and everything she stood for and even though he didn't get to kill her himself, she still died as he'd wanted.]

[oyashiromama]

I find that I'd rather be kind than anything else. As a person, as a god.

[...]

Who is Emmeryn? I've never heard you speak of her before.

cw: suicide mention (just to be safe)

[plegia]

She was the former ruler of Ylisse. We were at war with Ylisse for a damned long time; it ended in many Plegian deaths but ultimately it led to the rise of Emmeryn, the nearly perfect Exalt who led her people into a time of peace without any crisis. It took me years to get the war I desperately wanted! She refused to rise to anything I threw at her! She was horrible!

[...]

But she truly cared for her people. She wanted me to believe that everything she did was for the good of everyone including my own people. She sacrificed herself for peace, quite literally.

[He pauses again, then shakes his head. He looks sort of angry, but his tone doesn't really reflect it.]

After spending so long planning and waiting for her death, it was disappointing. I wanted to kill the ruler of the country that had nearly ruined Plegia. But that man died long ago and taking it out on his children hasn't sated my desire for revenge any.

[oyashiromama]

You had to find an outlet for all the rage you felt...for the need for revenge...but pushing the sins of her father on to her, in the end, did nothing to give you resolution.

[It makes sense. ...It genuinely makes sense, and something about Gangrel clicks in her head for the first time.]

...Is that...something close, do you think? For the things we love - family, friends, country, in your case - we shape ourselves to do unspeakable deeds...but only sometimes do those deeds satiate our most desperate desires.

[plegia]

[He clenches his fists for a moment, nails biting into skin, but he lets go before he draws blood. The tension leaves him when he does.]

...Yes, that's precisely it. I've spent almost all of my adult life seeking revenge and even though I thought I had it back home... it feels so hollow here. I'm beginning to think nothing I really did back home mattered. I led Plegia! I started a war! I've got the Fire Emblem here with me! I've gotten my revenge!

[...]

But it isn't enough, somehow. I don't know if there will ever be anything that's enough.

[And that's the most terrifying thought.]

[oyashiromama]

Of course you would be afraid, or- ...confused, and angry. [That seems more in-line with Gangrel.] I...don't know if I can offer any answers, not ones that would give you any meaning, but...

...but I don't think this realization is meaningless. And...I don't think it's too late to examine it, should you want to.

[A soul struggling with their life's meaning. There's no way that Hanyuu could turn away.]

[plegia]

[mnnnngh]

I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure I want to.

[Gangrel shakes his head at that.]

It's a bit much to think about right now.

[oyashiromama]

Of course. Aah, such things... Yes, they're quite an undertaking...and it's been a long day. Especially for you.

[...]

But, if you ever wish to talk? You know where to find me.