do it for love

[penduli]

[ Every week is the same song and dance, but it never really gets easier, or works, or ever seems like it’s going to stop.

There will be time for everyone to rest before Black comes knocking on their doors (a moot point, given the soundproofedness of them) and slipping a note beneath them. He needed the respite too, and they needed to prepare food, and… he still thinks it’s a little weird to have a party after a trial, but he’s starting to really understand why it’s not a bad idea, either. ]

[Name],

Misa would’ve wanted us to keep a smile on our faces, or at least put a smile somewhere. There’s a pancake bar up in the chapel, if you’d like to come by and make a few happen. If you don't want to come, that's fine, too. The offer's open all night.

Ever yours,
Black

[ …the ending is something he’s never quite shaken, unfortunately.

Those that make their way up to the chapel will, indeed, find a pancake bar, courtesy of Yosuke and Stan (because Black never feels that hungry after trials and someone needs to stress bake here). That is, there are pancakes! There are syrups, whipped cream, fruits, berries, candies, etc! Sprinkles! Hot chocolate, ice cream… everything you could want for your build-your-own-pancake masterpiece. It’s all set up on some tables shoved against the chapel’s walls.

…special Stancakes (or pancakes with a hint of Stan in them, aka some of his hair that might’ve gotten in there accidentally, whoops) are also available.

There’s also alcohol—dessert wines mostly, to pair with their overwhelming sugar bias, but there’s some ordinary stuff there too. Pancake bar.

The framed photos are where they’ve always been on the center area, along with their matching stuffed animals. …or most of them; some haven’t been made, some pictures haven’t been put up, you get the idea. ]

Comments

... tw: suicide mention because i guess that's the direction we're going in tonight folks, holy shit

[penduli]

[ ...really

he thinks Yosuke's the normal one here. He thinks everyone who could look at Misa and call her a murderer for what she's done normal. People who can judge others for killing just for one chance—it's gross, but it's normal. Anyone with a working moral compass would be that way.

There are people who have reasons for not being that way, but not him. He's just seen a lot of bad shit; he's just a shitty cynic. He just wants to his sister again, and... he's not so morally gone that he doesn't feel like a horrible person every time after the fact. He's not so terrible that he doesn't feel sick to his stomach thinking about it.

But the problem here is he needs to live, because he needs to see his sister again, no matter how that happens.

So after a long moment of watching Yosuke, he swallows back the hardness in his throat and forces himself to relax enough that when he takes Yosuke's hand to untwist the wires, his grip isn't hard. It's guiding. ]

I find that perfectly normal, to be honest, though I think you should put a little more stock in your life. There's a lot of people who'd be upset if they lost you, and there's no one else in this world that could replace you. [ Another hard swallow. Not looking at him, but at his hands. ] It's hypocritical of me to say that though, considering I don't really care about myself. It's just White keeping me going. If she really were gone this time, I'd... I'd probably take my own life, to be honest. There's not a world without her, to me.

[ A shaky laugh. ]

I know. That sounds ridiculous, but I've never been able to imagine life without her.

[garudynamic]

[It's like Black hit him, and he almost physically reels. Enough so that his hand is slack as Black unwinds the cord.

He can't say anything at first, just letting Black work- his entire body loses a lot of that stiffness, if just from shock- the grief and confusion are still there, but a lot of the rage is swatted away in one stroke. ]

If you did, I don't think I could forgive you.

[Not 'don't talk like that' or 'you're worth more'. Because he has some awareness that this is something he just... can't understand. Maybe he never will. The kind thing would be to say nothing at all, but Black admitted something, so it's only fair to trade an equally selfish truth back]

[penduli]

[ He frowns, finally finishing, but instead of pulling away like he normally would, he takes Yosuke's hand.

It must not feel very nice; his own hands are sort of clammy, because he's honestly passively terrified about all of this. It's nice to curl his fingers against Yosuke's though. It gives him something to concentrate on that isn't trying to drown himself in dessert wine. ]

I'd be dead, I don't think I'd really care. [ ...god that's such a heartless thing to say, and he's grimacing right afterwards. ] Sorry, I—thank you? I'm not really sure...

[ Inhale, exhale. ]

What to say, I guess.

[ He's... never told anyone this, actually, so he's never had to figure out the correct response to this. ]

[garudynamic]

[Yosuke looks down at Black's hand- some part of him, even after all this time and everything that's happened, screaming at him to pull away.

But he doesn't, even curling his fingers around too. He's too tired to fight, and they could both use the comfort- even though Black's hand is clammy and his own is kinda swollen and sweaty]

Heh, no, I guess you wouldn't. I guess... I just mean I would.

[penduli]

[ ...he really shouldn't be doing this. He's been careful not to do much of anything with Yosuke, really, outside of hanging out like normal friends. Like normal people do. Normal people who don't have some stupid, awkward, one-sided gay crush hanging around.

He's tired and he wants the comfort, but maybe he'll finish his wine and just switch out for something actually high in proof and get drunk off his ass instead of doing this, and—

he doesn't do any of that. This is going firmly in the "things we're never talking about drawer" because of course it is, but for now, it's. Happening. ]

...thanks, then. I've been telling a lot of people they're worth more than their past or what they decide they are, because—they are, you know. Not everyone's a useless older brother like I am. [ Another laugh, but it isn't shaky. Just soft. Sort of just there. ] The only thing I ever did right was make a really poor life choice to keep my sister safe, and I'm not even sure if that was really the right thing to do. It's not like I'd ever let him take her instead, but I... [ ...ugh.

Never mind. He shakes his head. ] Thank you. That's all I mean. It, um, means a lot to me. That'd you'd care.

[ God, talking is hard. Looking at Yosuke is hard. Being here is hard. Offering to host the after party was a stupid idea and all he wants to do is go to bed and curl up and pretend none of this ever happened. ]

[garudynamic]

['-let him take her instead' sticks out, bit now isn't the time. There might never BE a time. But he files it away anyways.]

Trust me man, I'm not one to judge someone for screwing up... pretty much everything ever. But... I guess it doesn't always have to be that way?

[He... looks like he wants to do something. He's not even sure WHAT himself. There's a lot of Reasons to not move and let Black escape yet, even though they both probably should.]

[penduli]

[ You're gonna have a collection of stupid phrases like that you'll never get to ask about unless you corner him in his room, Yosuke, that's the rule here. ]

I guess not. I mean, you're not screwing anything up right now.

[ But he feels like he might, this is sort of—bad. He thinks he knows what Yosuke might look like he wants to do, but that would be a really, really bad life choice, and like, he's made a lot of those. He knows what those look like.

He's like, uncomfortably aware of what bad life choices are. And this would be one. This would really be a pretty big one, considering the Vault is actually sort of a small living space, and their rooms actually aren't that far from each other and...

...and he's gonna be the one to untangle their fingers and move away, yep. He's going to make a good life choice that's going to save a friendship and not give him another three years of regret. ]

[garudynamic]

[A weird mix of disappointment and relief both cross Yosuke's face, and slip into that constant smile. Relaxed and not conflicted at all. Honest. He's not sure what... any of that was- at least not in the front of his brain. It's so like so many moments with Yu over that year. A wisp of possibility that's there and gone.

Not a bad thing. But a thing regardless. He doesn't want to do anything rash when he had been so very close to hitting Black less then 15 minutes before.]

Heh, gimme time man. Anyways, it's getting kinda late, huh?

[penduli]

[ A kiss with a fist is better than none.

He didn't even eat any of his pancakes. ...he wasn't going to eat any of his pancakes anyway, he guesses. Black'll at least finish off his wine and his hot chocolate—not at the same time, but chugging one right after the... other... okay that's pretty much the same time and it's the most teenager thing he's ever done and he's not even a teenager anymore.

By the way, it was sort of gross, if you were curious. ]

—Yes. [ Now that he can... breathe and isn't at risk of dying from chugging drinks like an idiot because he wants to finish them before he leaves. ] I guess so. I should probably stick around to clean up though.

[ It... was sort of his offer to host a party, after all. He doesn't sound like he really wants to though (he doesn't like cleaning up!!! ...but it'd be sacrilegious to leave it in this state, if it wasn't already sacrilegious to hold a pancake bar party in here in the first place). ]

[garudynamic]

[He ponders offering to help- but in a moment of self awareness decides to let it be- Black wouldn't be hurting for volunteers, he's sure. Plus it looks like Cherryblod has retired too- the only other person he wanted to keep an eye on tonight, after everything that happened.]

Right. Then I'm gonna head out. Try and... get some sleep. Don't stay up too late or anything, okay?

[penduli]

[ With all the helpful people here? ...he really isn't going to be hurting for them at all, no. ]

You too. [ He should say something, he should really— ] Sorry for sort of being a jerk earlier. And [ how do you say "dumping a lot of feelings bullshit on you" without saying that? ] talking a... little too much? You're really easy to talk to, though.

[garudynamic]

[He stands, popping his back. Ah, that.]

Don't apologize, man. I mean, I've dumped some stuff on you too. Not as... heavy... but still. I don't mind it.

[He can't help a swell of... something. Kinda like pride, but not quite. Something from the fact that Black was willing to tell him something like that, even if it was in the rush of the moment. It's something he'll think about later, when he's not so goddamn tired.]

[penduli]

[ He winces just a little at the heavy, because it's... true, yes, this talk was a little heavy tonight. He's starting to feel that. Maybe he'll excuse everyone from clean up duty and just do it himself to wash away all that regret creeping up his back. ]

If you're sure. [ Here's probably the best smile he's had all not that wasn't soft-sad-gay flavor, before he makes a little shooing motion with his hand. ] Go get your beauty sleep, Yosuke. I know you need it to keep your youth good lucks.

[garudynamic]

[He snorts]

Right, right. You know it. 'Night.

[He turns and trots off, a surprising amount of bounce in his step considering his exhaustion and anger of earlier.

Hate to see you go, love to watch you leave, yo.]