I have a dream that I want to fulfill with you...

[tsugomori]

[ Well, that was an extraordinary trial to have... it was certainly filled with many things that wouldn't be lost to the memory of most, even for weeks to come. Although, the return to "normalcy" could be something that wouldn't seem like it was wanted, it was better than the alternative to returning to anything at all.

With ease, Mikazuki find himself setting up the usual party in the usual place-- that would be the library of course. Notes have been slipped underneath the doors of others, or hung up on the walls to alert them of this post-trial "celebration" -- which was more like a get-together of some sorts now than a real party. ]


Please join us in the library again. Of course, food and drink will be provided.

- Mikazuki, Orihime, Hanyuu, & Estelle

[ The food and drink has been set out, what with there being tea, vichyssoise, cream puffs, and fish for everyone to enjoy. ]

Comments

[oyashiromama]

[She...hit a wall, didn't she. She tenses but- she's not willing to give up.]

I overstepped...and I'm sorry. But- ...I still won't leave.

[alchemicals]

It's not your fault.

[He hesitates for a moment, clearly not knowing what to say, before eventually just shrugging.]

It's not like it's a good idea to care about anyone here anyway, you know?

[oyashiromama]

[...Ah.]

I know. [She gives a small smile.] What...do you think my title is for? I know we're all going to die, likely, and that we're just buying time. I can't prevent any of the horrible things that will happen here. But...I want to spend that time as best as I possibly can.

[alchemicals]

...You're wasting that sort of sentiment on people like me.

Just to put that out there.

[oyashiromama]

You say that like you have nothing that you can enjoy.

[...Oh.]

...Is that at all true?

[alchemicals]

[And at that question, he's gone very still.]

...War is the only thing that's ever made me feel alive. Everything else is biding time.

[oyashiromama]

[There's something... She doesn't really know what to say to that. It's the opposite of her, a direct inverse. It's something she can't understand, and yet...]

...Then I'll find another way. [Not everyone would be receptive. That's what Chiyuki said.] Even if... You're still stuck here, like the rest of us. You shouldn't be left alone.

[alchemicals]

I've been alone for ten years. I'm used to it.

[It's not what she means and he knows it.]

[oyashiromama]

That's how long it took me to get used to being alone too. It didn't stop the centuries from hurting any.

[alchemicals]

...It wasn't supposed to be that long.

[He doesn't sound...troubled by it, per se, just kind of annoyed.]

I was supposed to be killed years ago for what I did. I've still got no idea why I wasn't.

[oyashiromama]

Is that why you don't care if you die? Because you resigned yourself to it, long ago?

[It's not a probing question, just...it sounds like she's asking about what he had for breakfast. It sounds like something she's familiar with.]

[alchemicals]

...Sort of. The memories I had when I first woke up here were of the day I was supposed to be executed.

[But it'd been...longer than that, hadn't it?]

I've never really cared if I die, though. Sometimes I just do things? I don't really know how to describe it.

[He'd tried to explain this to Chiyuki once; he hadn't explained all of it, though. Partially because it hadn't really occurred to him to try, partially because she was really obviously trying not to be sad at the moment.]

I don't really feel too much, you know? So sometimes I'll go out and I'll be looking for something to do, and I'll see something that looks like trouble - I don't know, picking a fight with someone maybe. And so I'll do it, because best-case scenario I'll win and maybe I'll actually have fun while I do it, and worst-case scenario I'll get thrashed but that doesn't really matter because at least I'm experiencing something, even if it's bad.

There's not a lot of forethought with me, really.

So if I do stuff that runs the risk of killing me, who cares? Best-case scenario, I don't die. Worst-case scenario, I get to find out what dying is like.

[oyashiromama]

[It feels at least like she's finally...gotten somewhere, so she listens, face neutral, nodding along, gently.]

It's like...a lack of self-preservation? Regarding if you life or die, at least. [Which, yikes. But she's not really sure what could be done about that.] But the more intense the situation...the more likely it is you'll get some kind of stimulus and feel something.

[Even if she can't do anything- at least she can try and understand.]

Is that close?

[alchemicals]

Yeah, that's it. The only other time I really get enjoyment out of things is when I'm hurting people.

["Hurting." It's about as much a euphemism as "fireworks."]

So I think you can see where war is such a thing for me.

[oyashiromama]

[#yikes]

It...yes, it makes sense. [...this at least she can kind of understand, despite it being...everything it is.] The first time you engage in something that lights a spark- [aaaaaaaa] -that, aah, inspires something, you get entranced by it and...

[Kill a whole lot of people.]

...and it's all you want to do.

[alchemicals]

...Yeah.

But war ends, you know? And they were going to take all that away from me. People like me aren't suited to civilian life, we're not suited for anything but the battlefield. So I decided that I didn't care anymore, and that's when all the war crimes and killing my superior officers when they tried to arrest me happened.

I'm not trying to say it wasn't deliberate and that it wasn't my fault, but it wasn't really anything premeditated, either. Just...like I said, there's not a lot of forethought, and there's not a lot of feeling behind it. I just decided to do it and so I did.

[oyashiromama]

[...]

Ten years, you said? You weren't even an adult yet.

[There's something about this that's...very sad to her, really.]

I think... I think I'm starting to understand a little more why you tend to be so...aah, difficult in trials.

[alchemicals]

...Do you?

[He sort of wants to hear this, not even gonna lie.]

[oyashiromama]

[She expected that but still seems a little nervous speaking. ...It's seriously not you, Kimbley, she's just a nervous creature.]

Well... I don't mean to presume, but...you said yourself, if you die you don't care, so...why follow orders and make things easy? The worst-case scenario, you die, but the best...maybe something about the high-stakes situation will be enjoyable or- or at least maybe it will make things more interesting.

[alchemicals]

...Yeah. Yeah, that's it exactly.

[Good job, Hanyuu.]

[oyashiromama]

[This social link is going some places. She's momentarily a little surprised for...actually being right but she guesses all those years of watching people have come in handy.]

It's not something I can exactly relate to...but it's not too hard to understand, if I try and listen. Thank you, for sharing this with me.

[she really just thanked him for telling her about his fucked up life but you know there you go??]